A dedication

Jez has a head shaped like an anvil. He combs his hair with a pork chop.

Jez is quite handsome and always dresses immaculately.

Jez tries to be cool and show off about carrying condoms but he muddles up his slang and calls them ‘jimmies’ instead of ‘johnnies’.

Jez once got whiplash when someone flicked a raisin at his forehead.

Jez recently explained away the strange fridge odour by telling the entire office that it was down to his ‘salami deodorant’.

Jez needs constant attention.

Jez can eat six inch long cream cakes in one mouthful.

Jez had an Uncle Pod and an Auntie Vim.

Jez sent me the only text I got on the day of my godfather’s funeral, saying that he hoped things would go as well as could be expected.

Jez shakes constantly. He blames the caffeine but is quietly terrified that he has Parkinson’s.

Jez doesn’t get drunk, he gets ‘sloshed’. He uses words like ‘twerp’ and reads first edition romantic literature in the noble savage tradition.

Jez fancies Sandra Bullock and listens to Boney M.

Jez went out with Dorothy a couple of times. On their first date, she announced in the pub that she didn’t want to drink her pint because she thought the bar staff were trying to poison her. Instead of dismissing her as being totally doolally, he offered to swap drinks and let her have his pint, which touched her beyond words.

Jez has mental health support needs that I am not qualified to work with. I think he may have Asperger’s Syndrome.

Jez’s Mum died when he was little. He makes jokes about it but misses her terribly everyday. His computer passwords are always variants of her name.