Charlie Romeo Alpha Papa

I feel like a twat using the NATO phonetic alphabet.

So I was intrigued when someone wrote into the Notes & Queries section in the Guardian in December and asked about the words we use to spell out names over the phone. The original questioner mentioned T for Tom, A for Apple and D for Dog (old RAF usage, I believe) and wondered if there is an official alphabet.

One reply came from a smartarse called Robert Bassett, London, SW12.
“If someone asks for the spelling of my name in this fashion, I always use the following system: R for Robert, O for obert, B for bert, E for ert, R for rt, T for t.”

(I don’t actually believe that he goes through this whole process because “rt” would be very hard to pronounce. But then maybe he is very good at rolling his rs.)

It was the second reply that tickled me though. From David Clarke, Morden, Surrey:

“What about those conversations when you need to go through the motions of appearing communicative – for example, calls to the Inland Revenue? My alternative phonetic alphabet includes C for csar, P for psychiatry and T for Tchaikovsky. The following prompt an interesting reaction: Aesop, Csar, Django, Eiderdown, Gnocchi (Gnome?), Hors d’oeuvres, Jalapeno (Jojoba?), Knocker (Kneel?), Llanelli, Mnemonic, Neil, Psychiatrist, Qatar, Syzygy, Tchaikovsky, Wringer (Whore?), Xylene, Zyster. But I’m struggling for B (Bdelloid?), F (Final? – see V), I (Iannic?), O (Oolite?), R?, U (Urchin?) and V (Vinyl). And what about Y?”